“I’m Never Drinking Again”

Well today pretty much sucked. The story is familiar: I went out last night with some classmates after our final Contracts class (good cause for celebration, to be sure) for a drink or two. Unfortunately, while I should have eaten, I chose to drink my dinner instead; not good. It wasn’t a conscious decision, of course; it just kind of happened that way. This morning was one of those mornings where I opened my eyes and immediately wished I hadn’t. I had just enough energy to dial-up work and call in some sick leave. I know, I know…not very responsible of me.

From that point on my day entailed a circuitous route between my bed and the toilet. Gazing down into the water, doubled-over, I had those moments where I honestly debated the possibility of losing an organ. There were times I swear I was close. I’m not sure if it was a kidney or spleen but something was on its way up. My sole comfort amidst the convulsions was the contrasting coolness of the porcelain against my hot skin. I just cleaned the toilets so I suppose that’s not quite as gross as it could have been. Each time I went to flush I remember thinking that I have no recollection EVER eating anything THAT color.

So now it’s Friday night. As you may well know, friends expect certain things of you on Friday nights, despite the prior evening’s indulgences. With that, I suppose I should go get a shower and prepare for a possible night out. I’m looking forward to giving solid food a shot here in the next hour or so, but one thing’s for sure: I am NEVER drinking again….

….until the next time, that is.


The purpose of this entry is simple: to memorialize my bold and controversial assertion that Cheez-It is simply the best snack cracker out there.

It’s a strange thing. I like crackers in general, I suppose, but to no great degree. Cheese is okay too, though again, I’m not crazy about it. Put them together, however, and I am presented with this snack cracker second to none. Sure, the serving container isn’t anything special and the idea that there is no plural to “Cheez-It” is unsettling to the faint-of-heart. But that’s part of the appeal: Cheez-It is all business. It doesn’t waste time with gussied-up packaging or fancy slogans; it’s just a damn good snack cracker. The cracker speaks for itself.

Now you might think this an unhealthy obsession with snack food. You’d be wrong, though. In a 27-cracker serving size, Cheez-It offers 4g of protein and some calcium to boot, at a paltry 160 calories; all that as well as great taste. Furthermore, I would suggest to you that STALE Cheez-It still maintains a tasty edge over 95% of the snack crackers out there. It’s THAT good.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a couple of cautions when it comes to Cheez-It. First of all, only the original will do. None of this Mountain Jack flavor or bigger-sized Cheez-It. Neither can match the original taste and convenience of the real thing. Avoid reduced-fat Cheez-It at all costs. Second, it is inadvisable to mow down half a box at 3:00 in the morning after a night of drinking. Take it from me, it may seem like a good idea at the time, but you’ll pay for it the next day. The resulting after-taste defies description, and not in a good way.

Other than those cautions, you should find Cheez-It a fulfilling and rewarding experience. I leave you with one last message in its regard.

And as for Fig Newtons(tm) being the supreme fruit-filled cookie on the market, that is a topic for another day…

The Magic Fridge

My name is Jeff. I’m 27 years old and I live with my parents.

Yes, it’s true. Seem pathetic? Perhaps. But I get along with the folks fairly well and other than the occasional butting of heads with the ol’ man (typical Alpha-male syndrome) domestic life is, for the most part, tranquil. Sure, I did the whole moving-out, going-to-college-for-six-years-thing like everyone else, but then I ended up back in the one place I have ever considered home. Besides, with work (more on that later) and school (more on that later) it seems that I spend little time in the house these days. So I float my pops a few hundred a month and live off the fat of the land, as it were. This brings me to the subject of this entry…

I’m planning on spreading my wings sometime in the next few months, during the summer break from school. Though it will feel good to carve out some space of my own in this world, I realize all-too-well how much I will miss the conveniences of “home life.” Of notable absence in any place called my own will be the Magic Fridge. See, my folks have this refrigerator, and it’s incredible. Each morning upon waking up or evening upon returning from work/school, I go to the Magic Fridge and open it; and each morning or evening I am amazed that it is well-stocked with fresh vegetables, fruit, luncheon meat, eggs, dairy products….you name it. I have come to love that Magic Fridge.

The Magic Fridge is not alone, either; for example, there are some Magic Cupboards in the kitchen with non-perishables and even a Magic Oil Supply in the garage to quench the thirst of my ’88 Volkswagen Jetta. It doesn’t end there. But the Magic Fridge serves to represent those things I take for granted living here. Despite my best efforts in bracing for non-Magical household appurtenances, I have a feeling part of me will miss this place I have called home the past 27 years.

In moving out, like everything else in life, with the good comes the bad; yet it’s been my experience that life deals us larger helpings of the good. It’s up to us to see that and make the most of them. In my case, I find myself wondering if that means trying to sneak the Magic Fridge out of the house while the folks aren’t looking. Hmmm….